Savannah Jaye

I haven’t written in four days, and that’s mainly because I knew that there were a lot of things I desperately wanted to say about today that I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from saying once I started writing. They were mainly negative things about how I wasn’t looking forward to this day and about what it meant to me. Yes, today marks another chapter in my story, but it’s also a reminder of the past chapters and what it has taken to get me to this point.

 

For those of you that don’t know, today was/is my 21st birthday.

It is also the 4th year in a row that I’ve spent my birthday someplace different with relatively new friends/relationships.

And, if I was to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t looking forward to this day at all.
It isn’t that I hate all birthdays—I just hate my own birthday. 
Over the past twenty-one years I’ve been left disappointed a lot on this day, and I’ve learned to not expect much from it.

To make matters worse, I knew today was going to specifically be a really tough day.

You see, what I wanted more than anything today was to feel genuinely loved and valued. Not that I lack that self-worth on that other 364/5 days of the year, but you always want your birthday to be more special. After all, it’s a celebration of your story and your life, and it deserves to be celebrated with the utmost enthusiasm.

But, I thought that the only way I was really going to feel genuinely loved today was if a certain chain of events happened, and I believed that the success of my birthday hinged on that one single event. I also instinctively knew that it wasn’t something likely to happen.

So I began today apprehensive because I had already resolved that what I wanted for my birthday wasn’t going to happen.
I knew that today was going to be just like the past month and filled with that same daily disappointments and discouragement.
And so, I decided that there wasn’t going to be anything special about this day.

I was wrong.
I was so wrong.

There are honestly no words for how wrong I was.

What I wanted to happen? Yeah, it didn’t happen.

But today I was reached out to in love in so many other, unexpected and inexplicable ways. I was affirmed and I was valued in ways that made me feel so cherished. And, I really, really, really needed it today.

I’m so incredibly blessed to be here, with these people, being welcomed into their community as graciously as I have been. I’ve been invited to become apart of one of the most exciting and amazing stories that I could hope for, and in the process they’ve chosen to affirm me and celebrate my story.

So sometimes you get what you want, but in ways other than you can ever imagine.
And sometimes it sucks because you didn’t get what you want.
However, that doesn’t mean that you didn’t get what you needed, in ways better than you could dreamed for. 

Today was one of those very special days for me where what I hoped for, what I wanted, and what I needed all seemed to collide into some beautiful mess.
And at the end of the day, I’m just left speechless.

So for everyone who has played a role in this story over the past 21 years:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I wish you all hope and love and faith and courage peace and healing—
Wherever this may find you tonight.