Savannah Jaye

In the great debate of nature versus nurture, I’ve always sided with the nurture argument:

25 years ago, a guy and girl meet at a club.
both of them had curly hair.
the guy wasn’t a Christian.
the girl was struggling to figure it out.
they pursued it together.
they figured it out.
they agreed to live a life together showing others that as well. 

22 years ago, the guy and girl move.
they had no plans of staying, but they were given an opportunity to help others figure it out.
the girl took a job as a speech pathologist.
the guy made ends meet.
ten years down the road, they’d look back together and realize they were always meant to stay.

20 and half year ago, a new girl entered the picture.
she had their hair.
everyone said she looked like her mother.
but she really had the fire of her father.
and he’d see a little bit more of him in her every day,
so they named her accordingly. 

17 years ago, the new girl starts preschool.

16 years ago, she was denied starting kindergarten because she was too young.
she learns to read.
she learns to add.
she learns to multiply.
she likes fractions.
she still can’t color in the lines or stay still for naptime.

15 years ago, she starts kindergarten and is told she’s too smart.

14.75 years ago, she begins first grade.
she has an IQ of 130.
she’s told she’ll be brilliant.
she’s told she can do whatever she wants to do.
she’s told not to waste her mind.

14 years ago, she changes elementary schools.
she makes friends, but they’re just okay.

12 years ago, she joins the cheerleading squad.
2 years.
she quits because she’ll never care enough.

11 years ago, she starts taking piano lessons.
6 years.
she quits because she’ll never be good enough.

8 years ago, she plays select soccer.
1 year.
she quits because she’ll never compete with her brother for their parent’s attention.

7 years ago, she starts high school.
it was awkward as people expect.
she took math, so she didn’t waste her mind.
she was going to graduate early.
become a doctor, a lawyer, it didn’t matter.
she had friends, but they were just okay.

6 years ago, she’s finally noticed.
it wasn’t going to be the last time.
and it may have not been the first time.
but it felt like it was.
she hung out with people.
she made plans.
she made friends.
they were more than okay.

5 years ago, she transferred high schools.
she lost friends.
she would be better off without them.
she just didn’t know it yet.
her first class had only one other girl in it.
she seemed cocky.
her second class would break her heart.
in her third class she’d write a letter to her only friend left.
a cousin, 700 miles away.
in the letter she’d pick out her new best friend out of the unhappy faces in the room.
in her fourth class, she sees the same face again.
it was coincidence. it was God’s providence.
best friends.
the red headed girl told her to pick up a camera.
she did.

a lot would happen that year
the cocky girl turned out not to be so cocky.
the red headed girl would be an inspiration.
she’d tell her of a school of art and design that shared a name with the always new girl.
she would go to concerts and experience new music.
she’d have her hand held and her heart broken.
but none of that was as important as her picking up the camera for the first time.

4 years ago she was at the top of the food chain.
she had the relationships she always wanted.
editor of the yearbook staff, one of two head photographers.
she was the star in her school play.
she was interning at a doctor’s office, because she wanted to save the world and not waste her mind.
she worked thirty hours a week to save money for her dream trip.
she got accepted into the pre-med program at her not-so-dream school, but didn’t need to apply anywhere else.
she was so happy.

3.25 years ago, prom night rolls around.
her red headed friend got a boyfriend.
and all of a sudden her curly hair wasn’t as important.
she lost her sister.
she put her camera down.
she couldn’t save a turtle.
God did anyways.

3 years ago she walks into an airport.
her flight was cancelled.
she was given one more day in the united kingdom.
she watched coronation street.
she loved boys in cardigans.
it was the trip that changed her life.
she picked back up a camera.

a month later she walks onto her college campus.
she hated it.
she had perfect friends.
and a perfect life.
but she felt wasted.
she didn’t want to be a doctor.
she didn’t want to be a lawyer.
she was missing something.

she and her dad went to lunch every friday.
every friday they talked.
every friday she’d hear “don’t waste your gift.” 
one day she asked if her gift could be a camera.

a month later was her birthday.
she didn’t get to spend it the way she wanted to.
but her gift was a camera.
she started looking at schools.
in Tennessee.  in California. in Pennsylvania.

Spring Break is coming up.
she was the only one not invited to go somewhere.
she needed to do something.
she calls her grandparents in pennsylvania.
she wants to come.
she wants to look at the school.

bad news, they say.
they’ll be gone that week.
they had been offered a free week in Hilton Head.
they offer her the opportunity to join.
begrudgingly, she accepts.

she goes. it’s cold.
she has an okay time.
and tries to be thankful for her grandparents.
her mom comes to visit.
they spend the weekend in Savannah.
she sees the school that the red headed girl once told her about.
she tells herself it’s only a dream.

spring break ends, a friend tells her he’s transferring to that school.
she asked, hopeful, is it hard to get into?
he told her she’d get in.
she thinks about it.
she tells herself not to waste her mind, her gift.
she tries hard.
she stays up every night.
studying, studying, studying.
she fails.

the world ended.
she couldn’t be a doctor.
she retakes the class.
she changes her major.
she argues with her mom.
she screams, “i need to get away from here!”
she applies to a school that shares her name out of bitterness.

she meets a boy.
she thinks she could love a boy.
he couldn’t love her.
so she’s left.
she becomes a cry baby.
she’s asked when she’ll finally stop crying
she’s told to become stronger.

she gets an acceptance letter.
she hides it.

2 years ago, everything hits the fan.
she sits in the bath towel aisle of walmart and dries her eyes.
the once cocky girl left her.
she’s drunk texted by a boy who could never love her.
she holds hands with a boy who couldn’t feel a thing.
she’s surrounded by people.
and completely alone.
she starts planning.
she starts wondering.
she wonders if there is any point in staying.
she had her hope for the future tattooed on her left shoulder;
flying off into the unknown, just like she felt. 

1.5 years ago, an opportunity arises.
12 weeks in Europe.
she goes.
she makes a friend.
a gatherer, a hippie.
they take photos.
lots of photos.
she tells her about her secret letter. 

they come back from Europe and keep taking photos.
the hippie tells the girl to unpack the acceptance letter and accept.
don’t waste your gift, she says.

a month before school starts, she pulls out the letter.
curly hair tells herself she won’t waste it.
she talks with her parents.
they talk about money.
they talk about the future.
they talk about Europe.
and curly hair’s job offer in Dublin.

she calls the school.
she’s told her acceptance can’t wait.

she sits down and talks with her parents again.
about money.
about the future.
about her gift.
about the job offer in Dublin.
about the acceptance that can’t wait.

they agree.
don’t waste your gift.

500 dollars go out in the mail that day.
she’s assigned a roommate at a crappy dorm in the center of downtown.
she moves to a city where she knows no one.
she doesn’t eat for days because she feels like she made the wrong decision.

she’s noticed again.
she has her heart broken again.
she swears off the opposite sex.
and swears on telling her mother everything. 

she meets the girls.
taylor. angel. sarah. bre. kaleigh.
they become her rocks.
her support system.

she gets a job.

the quarter ends.
she goes home.
she hangs out with a gatherer.
she takes photos.
they talk about concepts.
she’s happy.
she gets a giant stuffed animal for christmas.
she gets an easy bake oven.
she gets a new lens, a new flash.
they go rock climbing.
they play telephone pictionary.

she’s so happy.

but she starts to feel lonely.
she still doesn’t want her heart broken again.

school starts.
her mom comes back with her.
her mom leaves without her.
they both secretly cry behind their sunglasses as they watch the other drive off.

her support system comes back.
they start a bible study.
curly headed girl tends to sleep through lessons, but they had all come to expect it and still love her.

she attended a new college ministry.
she’s noticed. a lot.
she doesn’t want to be.
she tries not to be.
her heart had finally healed.

her birthday comes.
her friends take her to the circus.
she has a bad critique, she openly cries.
her friends take her to an italian restaurant (she gets lasagna).
she tries to fake a smile.

her mom sends her a package.
she calls her mom.
she screams.

her mom sends her a package.
she calls her mom.
she apologizes.

she’s still being noticed.
she’s still trying not to be.
but she’s starting to notice as well.
then he smiles.
and makes her a card.

she doesn’t want to be noticed she says.
he says he understands.
he kisses her anyway. 

it’s too late,
she can’t help but notice.
her hand is held and her heart is broken.
she receives a phone call that she doesn’t expect.
and she forgives him.

she forgives, she forgives, she forgives, she forgives. 
he asks her to stay. for him.
she agrees. for him.

a professor doesn’t teach her anything.
makes her question her gift.
tells her to drop out, go home.
but she’s staying.

then he stops noticing.
and she forgave him of that too.

and with seventeen of the cheapest words she’d ever heard,
her heart breaks for the final time.
but she had already agreed to stay.
it was too late.

her support system was there for her. 
they never said “I told you so.”
even though they had told her so.

she was asked if she wanted to leave.
she said no, she was a grown up,
and had to stick with her decision.

so she stayed.
and was alone at first.
but then she made friends and they were wonderful.
she fell in love with the town all over again.

things always start again.