Savannah Jaye

I love Ash Wednesday.
I love the beginning of Lent.
and I love what the Lenten season means. 

It’s not often that I get the opportunity to attend an Ash Wednesday service, but when I do it’s something that always proves to be a deeply humbling and important experience for me. It’s a time to reflect on our lives and who we’re becoming.

The first time I really began studying Lent, my theology professor told us that fasting wasn’t about what you gave up, but you were replacing it with. Since then I’ve been inspired to evaluate my life and which of my attributes aren’t Holy, and not just trying to remove those attributes but to make conscious efforts in replacing them with actions that are righteous. I’m not saying that it is right that I’m not making these efforts every day all year long, but I am grateful that for forty days a year I’m given the opportunity to spend time in repentance.

Tonight at the Anglican church that I attended, we watched a short video about a hypothetical conversation between God and his creation. Though the creation desperately desired his creator to change his impure heart and ways, each time they began this process, though, the man would cry out for God to stop. Finally when God asked him why it was he wanted to be changed but he wasn’t willing to go through the difficult process of repentance and renewal, the man said “Because I know what is buried deep inside. I know what is in my heart. And, I know all of the way that I have let you down and will continue to let you down.” For just a moment there was silence until God spoke, “At no point have you ever let me down; you were never holding me up. It is not your job to support me. That is my job description for you. You can never let me down.”

An important part of the Ash Wednesday service is the Litany of Penitence. I know it’s long and kind of filled with dense language, but I’d encourage you to read it and use it as an opportunity to evaluate your own life. I think the idea of an impure heart isn’t just central to a Christian worldview. I believe many of the points below directly relate to humanity and how we interact with ourselves, each other, and the world around us.

Most holy and merciful Father: We confess to you and to one another, and to the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth, that we have sinned by our own fault in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. 

We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven others, as we have been forgiven.

We have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us. We have not been true to the mind of Christ. We have grieved your Holy Spirit.

We confess to you, Lord, all our past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of our lives.

Our self-indulgent appetites and ways, and our exploitation of other people.

Our anger at our own frustration, and our envy of those more fortunate than ourselves.

Our intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and our dishonesty in daily life and work.

Our negligence in prayer and worship, and our failure to commend the faith that is in us.

Accept our repentance, Lord, for the wrongs we have done: for our blindness to human need and suffering, and our indifference to injustice and cruelty.

For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward our neighbors, and for our prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from us.

For our waste and pollution of your creation, and our lack of concern for those who come after us.

Restore us, good Lord, and let your anger depart from us;

Favorably hear us, for your mercy is great.

Accomplish in us the work of your salvation, that we may show forth your glory in the world.

By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord, Bring us with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.

Almighty God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who desires not the death of sinners, but rather that they may turn from their wickedness and live, has given power and commandment to his ministers to declare and pronounce to his people, being penitent, the absolution and remission of their sins. He pardons and absolves all those who truly repent, and with sincere hearts believe his holy Gospel.

Therefore we beseech him to grant us true repentance and his Holy Spirit, that those things may please him which we do on this day, and that the rest of our life hereafter may be pure and holy, so that at the last we may come to his eternal joy; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Thanks for allowing me to talk about God for a little bit.

you know when you’re little and you’re reading a book,
and you anxiously want to know how it ends?

you want to know if the guy and the girl end up together.
if they conquer the terrible villain.
if they escape from the clutches of the evil step-parents.
if they ever find happiness again.
if they make it home safely. 
if the frog somehow manages to turn back into prince charming. 

anyways, you always ended up making one of two decisions.
you could read the last few pages of the book ahead of time.
or you stick it out and wait patiently.
reading page by page until the true story finally and completely unfolds.
(hopefully in a way that was better than you ever imagined) 

well, right now i feel like a little girl who skipped ahead to the last chapter.
and read it once or twice.
and now, the rest of the story just doesn’t seem right.
it doesn’t make as much sense.
and i don’t understand how i’m supposed to be getting from here to there.
because honestly, i don’t see it being possible.

but i’m also trusting in something bigger than myself.
because there is somebody who wrote this whole story.
and i’m not called to stress about the little plot twists in my life.
i’m called to trust that He’s already figured it all out.
and my only purpose is to live it and react to the plot twists the best way i can.
and through that, create the best story i possibly can. 

so, no, things don’t necessarily seem better on this dreary, monday morning.
but they do seem different.
and i still have the same peace that i had when i first saw this day on the horizon a week ago.

i don’t know what’s going to happen.
and i sure don’t know the next step.
but i’m holding on to the promise that everyone finds happiness again. 

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. 
Proverbs 16:9 

sometimes you just need to sit in a room with a guitar and sing praise and worship.

Prone to wander Lord I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.

sometimes you just need to feel out of place and not know anyone.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures.
Fill my life again.
I  give my life to follow
Everything I believe in.

sometimes you just need to be in a room full of people that want to be there.

Oh praise the one who paid my debt,
And raised this life up from the dead.

sometimes you just need to see the tears in someone’s eyes as they speak.

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out. 
Bring me to my knees,
Lord, I lay me down.
Rid me of myself, I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to Your heart.

somtimes you just need to feel the passion of others.

Let the glory of Your name
Be the passion of the Church.
Let the righeousness of God
Be a holy flame that burns.
Let the saving love of Christ
Be the measure of our lives.
We believe You’re all to us. 

God will always lead you back to what you’re missing.

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Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

Galatians 6:1-5 (The Message)

I know The Message gets a lot of flack, and I’m not here to defend it.  I’m just saying, sometimes it words the scripture like nothing else can.

I’ve spent the past hour reading back through my tumblr.  It’s so interesting sometimes to read your life in reverse.  Read about the recovery from a relationship, and then read about the fighting, and then all of a sudden finding yourself reading about the butterfly stage.  Listening to a song that once was filled with a personal meaning, and now is just a source of nostalgia.  Reading posts where you’re so confident in who you are and who you were created to be.

The truth is, sometimes I wonder if the past year hasn’t done more harm than good.

That’s saying something, because the past year has done a lot of good.  God’s been in the past year.  He’s orchestrated.  He’s provided.  He’s taken away.  He’s inspired.   And there is no doubt that he did everything with my future in mind.  He’s constantly pushing and pulling and forcing me in the direction that I need to be headed.

But the truth is, I’m not sure I want to be a photographer anymore.  And I keep asking myself why that is.  I haven’t asked myself once or twice.  I’ve asked myself that hundreds of times.  I wonder where I lost my drive and my inspiration.  I wonder if I really had it to begin with. Everyday I’ve been awoken not with a happy heart, but with a gnawing feeling that I’m not good enough to be here.  To be living the life I’m living.  To be pursuing the life I’m pursuing.

Reading back through my old blogs I found the first three verses of this scripture, and feeling inspired I decided to go and reread Galatians 6.  And it was then that I saw what I hadn’t needed to see 8 months ago: “Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.”

I’ve always heard the problem with the Christian artist is that it’s just a subpar duplication of the mainstream, and I’m not going to disagree with that idea.  You can turn on the radio and hear it proven right.  However, I think one of my biggest flaws right now is that I feel overwhelmed to compare my work to those around me, and it will always prove to discourage me because I’m not called to be another artist or produce another artist’s work.  I am called to be Savannah Jaye Thomas and produce the work of Savannah Jaye Thomas.  That shouldn’t allow me to be lazy.  That should inspire me even more.  It shouldn’t discourage me, but encourage me.  I’m responsible to live my life creatively.  I’m responsible for doing my creative best.

I want to be a photographer.  I just don’t want to fail.  But as long as I’m focused on my work, the work I was called to produce, the work that I am responsible to produce, that shouldn’t be a problem.